I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
