i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
