we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
