no, he came in my armpit
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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