My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
