It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
