If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
