Got a toothbrush?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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