I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
