On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
