if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
not ubering you a puppy
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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