Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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