i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
