So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
