i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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