Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
