i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
