He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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