I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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