bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
