She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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