i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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