I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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