last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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