Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
