I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
