I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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