i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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