Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize