i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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