I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
