My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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