At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
