her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
