i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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