we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
