Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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