remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Randomize