when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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