DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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