He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
