coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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