i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
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Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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