You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
