I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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