"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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