community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
