im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
