hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
