when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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