Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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