Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
