life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
