Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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