and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
