I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You made out with two different species that night
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
